When You Don't Qualify for Heaven or Hell

Issue #19 Keith’s SciFiMusings Sunday, March 31, 2024

“Damn. For real? I’m …dead?”

The young man with the waist-length dreadlocks, the Bob Marley T-shirt, and the worn sandals was giving the noticeably older man seated behind the desk in front of him a pleading look, like an abused puppy that wants its bone back. The older man, with skin that resembled dark brown sandpaper, wore a crisp tan suit, a starched white shirt, and a fashionable patterned tie that seemed to incorporate the wide spectrum of tones found within the color brown. His sandpaper skin crinkled slightly upward on the right side of his lip, imitating a grin of sorts.

“What is your name, friend?” he asked, voice like dry leaves blowing.

“James. James Park. And I just don’t see how…”

The older man raised his hand slowly into the air, palm facing outward, indicating that the younger man should probably shut up. He did. Then he whimpered.

“James? My name is something you would never be able to pronounce, so for now you can simply call me Zander.”

“Zander…”

“That’s right James. Now there are quite a few people lined up behind you, so we’re going to need to keep this short and to the point, out of consideration for all the others who probably have questions just like yours.”

“Why do you only have one line? I mean, there’s so many of us you would think…”

Zander’s smile flickered, like a flame about to be extinguished.

“Is that really the question you want to ask me at this time, James?”

James shook his head as he stared at his sandals, eyes tearing up.

“No sir.”

“I didn’t think so. Now. Who first told you that you were dead?”

James looked back over his shoulder, searching until he located a small boyish creature standing a ways back near the entry door marked “EXIT.” The boyish creature, which resembled a satyr, smiled and waved enthusiastically. James waved reluctantly, then pointed at him.

“Him,” said James. “He told me. Soon as I came through that door that’s what he said.”

Zander chuckled, then shook his head.

“Lofgren does love to spoil a good surprise, he really does. His nature, I suppose. Well, I guess that cat is now, as they say, out of the bag. SURPRISE! Yes. You’re dead. It says here you were riding your bike on the wrong side of the street. A rather large truck was bearing down on the correct side of that same street. Rather than getting out of the way, it appears you made a rather vulgar gesture at the truck driver with your middle finger. And presto, here you are.”

“Damn.”

“Not quite yet. That place is for considerably worse offenses than flipping someone the bird.”

“Oh! So I’m in heaven, then?”

Zander shook his head.

“Afraid not, friend.”

“Purgatory…?”

“Purgatory isn’t much better than that other place, to be honest. No way you could know that since there’s no way anyone from there could relay a message top side. But no, this isn’t purgatory. Just sign here and then you’ll be accompanied to your new quarters by that attractive young lady who just now appeared behind me. She’ll be glad to answer any other questions you have, and a few other things as well, if you know what I mean. Wink wink, nod nod.”

And right on queue, a curvaceous creature with skin the color of coffee and cream winked at James and beckoned him with her slow-curling index finger.”

“C’mere, you,” she said.

“OK,” said James. “But just one more thing before I go, Zander.”

“You’re holding up the line, friend.”

And it was true. Folks in the line were starting to grumble and gesture.

“I know, I know. Sorry. But just one more thing. Because I don’t think this is something she can answer.”

Zander’s irritation was plain. He folded his hands on top of the desk and leaned forward.

“What is it, James?”

“Can I come closer?”

“James, you are starting to…

“I just don’t want anyone else to hear. This is just for you.”

Zander sighed, then motioned for James to step forward. James leaned down and whispered in Zander’s ear. It was just a few words, but those few words were enough to make Zander go pale. He fell back into his chair, looking up at James, who was transforming into something both beautiful and terrible, darkness and light, forcing Zander to cover his eyes in anguish.

“Who sent you? Who sent you?”